Thought Shift Thursday — Episode 56

💜Boundaries

Hello, and welcome to Thought Shift Thursday, Episode 56.

Yesterday, I told you about my covert mission. You know, the one where I climbed out of my office window in my army uniform and green, green army socks just so I could get my watch out of my car.

But what I didn't really talk about was how I got to the point where climbing out of my own window seemed like the better option, and I think a lot of it comes down to boundaries.

🤝 I Like Helping People

I like helping people. Acts of service is one of the ways I show people I care. If I can make something easier for someone, I usually want to.

Recently, I offered to take one of my brand-new tenants grocery shopping because he didn't have a car.

We, we had talked about him paying me for the ride, the same amount that he would have paid if he would have hired somebody, but we never clearly talked about what that would look like or how much money that would be.

We didn't talk about how much time it would take, how many places we were going, how much he would pay.

We talked, we talked about it, but we didn't really finish the agreement, and that part is on me.

I could have stopped and said, "Okay, before we do this, what exactly are we going to agree to?"

But I wanted to help, so I took him grocery shopping.

Then two, two days later, he messaged me about groceries again. I was busy doing other things, and that's when I started thinking more about what I had actually agreed to.

Because I'm not providing groceries as part of the rent. There are things in the house that my tenants are welcome to use, things like spices, pots, pans, and other things that are included in the lease agreement.

But my personal groceries are not part of that.

🧈 Then There Was the Butter

Later on, I found out that he had used some of my butter, and when we talked about it, he was very nonchalant about it and said, "Oh, yeah, I took some of your butter, but I only took a little bit. I can give you some back."

And for me, that wasn't okay.

It wasn't really about the amount of butter.

It was that it wasn't his butter to take.

There was an assumption that using a little bit of something that belonged to me was okay because he could replace it later.

But even though he asked me, I never responded to it, and that's where I started thinking more about boundaries.

🧺 Then There Was My Blanket

Then there was my blanket.

I had accidentally left a throw blanket in the dryer. According to him, it smelt like mildew, so he decided to wash it for me.

Again, I can understand that he may have thought he was helping.

Keep in mind, I was home.

But he didn't ask me before washing something that belonged to me.

And this parti... and this particular throw was supposed to be washed in cold water.

He washed it literally on extra hot.

I didn't even know my washer had that setting.

Thankfully, the blanket is still fine, but that's not really the point.

The point is that someone else made a decision about my belongings without asking me, and I realized I needed to make some things very clear.

🚪 I've Seen This Before

This isn't the first time I've had to think about boundaries with a tenant.

I had a long-term tenant, let's call her Ruth.

Before she moved in, I asked potential tenants if they smoked because I did not want smokers living in my house.

And this wasn't some little rule that I mentioned once.

My lease agreement literally has an entire page about not smoking and no drugs on the property.

That's how important this boundary was to me.

After Ruth moved in, I found out that she smoked cigarettes.

She had already moved in, and I knew she had a hard time finding somewhere to live.

I started thinking about what might happen to her if I told her she couldn't stay.

I didn't want to be the reason she ended up without somewhere to live, so I made an exception, and I understand why I did that.

I cared about what would happen to her.

But what I didn't really think about enough was what making that exception would mean for me.

🚬 How Moving the Boundary Affected Me

Every time she went out to smoke, she would spray afterward, but I could still smell the cigarette smoke when she came back inside.

It was hard to get the smell out.

Especially out of her room.

And this was happening in the home where I had already decided that I did not want smokers living.

Looking back, I was thinking a lot about how holding my boundary might have affected her.

I wasn't giving the same attention to how moving that boundary would affect me.

Over time, Ruth and I became friends, or at least friendly, and some of the lines started to become less clear and more blurry.

There were times when she came into parts of my home that weren't part of the space she rented and clearly off-limits, especially when I wasn't present.

There were other things that happened too.

And little by little, I found myself allowing things that I really wasn't comfortable with.

🔑 It Eventually Became a Broken Door

Eventually, she locked herself out of her room while I was at church.

My lease was very clear about what happened if a tenant got locked out while I wasn't available.

They needed to call a locksmith.

But she kept calling me and telling me that I needed to come home.

Keep in mind, my phone is on do not disturb while I'm at church.

She told me she needed her medication, and that if I didn't come home right away, she couldn't be held responsible for what happens to the door.

And eventually she broke the door.

That situation didn't start with a broken door.

There were little things along the way, and there were times when I had a boundary, but I didn't hold on to it.

👀 I'm Seeing It Earlier This Time

And that's what feels different to me now.

I'm seeing some of the things much earlier, and I don't want to wait until little things become bigger things.

And I also recognize that not every situation is the same.

With a grocery trip, I could have been clearer from the beginning.

We talked about an agreement, but we didn't finish the agreement, and I thought he would be kind enough and reimburse me accordingly.

That's something I can do differently next time.

But there are other things I didn't think I needed to explain.

I didn't think I needed to say, "Please don't take food that belongs to me."

I didn't think I needed to say, "Please don't wash my belongings without asking me."

But now that these things have happened, I can make those expectations clear.

💡 Clear Expectations Matter

Sometimes a boundary has already been made clear, and we need to follow through with it.

Other times, we think something is clear, but we never actually said it.

And sometimes something happens that we didn't even think we needed a boundary for.

That's why clear expectation matter.

If I'm offering to help someone, what exactly am I offering?

What will this mean for them?

What will this mean for me?

How much time am I willing to give?

How much energy am I willing to spend?

And have I actually told the other person what I expect?

Because people don't know what we're thinking.

But when something happens that doesn't work for me, I can also speak up and make that boundary clear.

💜 I Still Care

For me, the thought shift is this:

I can care about someone and still keep my boundaries.

I can help someone and still have limits.

I can think about how my decision might affect someone else while also thinking about how it will affect me.

I can be generous and still say, "That's not what we agreed to."

And if I realize that something isn't working for me anymore, I can reset that boundary.

I don't have to wait until I'm completely frustrated.

And I don't have to stop being kind.

I can keep being someone who cares about people while also being clear about my time, my energy, my space, and my belongings.

💭 Something to Think About

So think about the boundaries in your life.

Where might you need to set, clarify, or reset a boundary?

And what would it look like to make that boundary clear?

 Until Next Time

Thank you for spending a little bit of your day with me.

Until next time, I'll see you for Faith's Friday.

Until then, I hope today's episode helped you create a little more clarity, feel a little more calm, and have a little more confidence. 💜💚